Two Cents on Soccer

“Nothing can help me care about soccer. It’s the most popular sport in the world, probably because it’s cheap to play. It costs a ball. And once every four years America pretends to care about it. And yes I call it soccer, don’t correct me, because I don’t care what they call it in other lands, I speak America. Sorry world, we already have football and it’s way better. It’s supposed to be played by 300 lb men at 8 seconds at a time. Not 5 foot 6 inch fairies lightly jogging for three hours, or however long your game is. Buy a scoreboard. It’s hard for me to get into a sport that I mastered at the age of 7. Excuse me if I don’t get revved up for this corner kick that never works. Hooray! The game ends without a single goal. I want to kill myself when an NBA team doesn’t break a hundred. That’s because you don’t get a free taco. Maybe there’d be more scoring if they weren’t flopping all the time. Hey hooligans, instead of killing players that screwed up, can you murder the ones that fall down and cry because their toe got stepped on? The only good thing about soccer is the movie Ladybugs. That’s a classic. Don’t try to redo it Hollywood. But it’s nice to have an activity that terrorists can excel at. Enjoy your 15 minutes Algeria then go back to being number one at car bombs. But just know the only reason you are beating us is because our best athletes are busy playing real sports.”


I want to give this monologue to every person that I know who I have never heard mention soccer until this last month.