Charlie the Unicorn, Velociraptors and Purple Orgasms

I love summer nights because you never know what each one has in store. The warm night air just invites hillarium and randomosity. A few nights ago we decided to have a pool party and I almost drowned from laughing so hard. I literally snorted nearly a gallon of water because my abs were so preoccupied laughing that I couldn't tread water. Here are some conclusions I have drawn from said pool party:

1) Taylor Lautner is a sexy beast that can turn men homosexual.
2) I will never be good at cannonballs.
3) Velociraptor impressions run in the Gantt family genes.
4) I wish Charlie the Unicorn and his friends really would run off a plank into water "The Ring" style.
5) I could watch Nichole be a flying monkey a million times and never get tired of it.

After our amazing pool party we decided it was time for a Purple Orgasm. So a group of us drove all the way to Murphy for a good time...at Sonic. The Purple Orgasm is some amazing drink that only the Sonic in Murphy creates...it is purple, bubbly sweet goodness. It makes my mouth water with happiness.

A Purple Orgasm is even sweeter after dark....

Apparantly Michael Purdue doesn't know how to appreciate a good orgasm though and is an ingrate. My love for him outweighs this fact though, so I will overlook it. But next time I give you a perfectly good orgasm, don't waste it.

Afterwards we watched Dear John. This movie was good until she married some guy for his autistic child and then things went downhill...I have no idea how I was supposed to feel at the end of the movie...I am still a little hazy...although it could just be the side effects of the drink.

According To Him.

An amazing person just had me listen to this song. Sometimes with music, it's better if you let the lyrics do the talking instead of trying to supplement them...and these lyrics say it all....

:)

Limbo. Not the Game With The Stick.

I am currently in the most bizarre state of limbo in my life.

Nothing is permanent, yet it is, all at the same time. Everything that I want to have in my life, isn't or isn't yet. And everything that I don't want in my life is still here, but not really. I am so tired of experiencing this ripple effect over and over and over. I want to scream to someone at the top of my lungs how incredibly unfair life can be sometimes. In fact, I could write an entire book on it. All I want to do is move on and be happy, but the universe has decided it disagrees with that idea.

I know that "patience is a virtue" and "good things come to those who wait"...but what if at the end of the wait, that thing is gone? What then oh wise one? Then am I just left with the virtue of patience? Not a total loss, but not as good as what I could have instead.

Buddy Holly and Other Life Insights.

When I was 7 years old I received my first pair of glasses.

I remember standing in the school nurse's little white tiled room and covering my eye with a brown plastic thing and not being able to read a single letter on the chart she was showing me. I also remember how my mom thought I was faking. She even tested me with a homemade eye chart and got mad at me when I failed it. She thought I wanted glasses because they were cool. Yeah mom, because all the pop stars and athletes wear thick framed coke bottle glasses. Okay there was Buddy Holly, but he's an exception.

(PS - I own a sweater almost identical to this one.)

Probably my most distinct memory of that entire experience though was after I visited the optometrist and picked up my new glasses. I came out of the store and was so excited because the trees had individual leaves that I could actually see. I had always thought they were just green blobs until that very moment.

The past couple of days have been an equally eye-opening experience for me. It's like I saw certain aspects of my life as green blobs. That's what they were and there was no changing it. But now, with the help of a wonderful, cute new pair of 'glasses' I realized how wrong I was. You don't have to be in a Hollywood romantic comedy to find a guy who is unabashadly adoring and sweet. I think that every girl deserves this amazing feeling and clarity. If not for the knowledge than at least for the pure giddiness that it brings. And now, no matter how hard anyone else tries to convince me...I'm not going back to thinking that green blobs are a reality. Because I am finally seeing things crystal clear, and I like what I'm seeing.

What's It Going To Do....Turn Into Kanye West?

Genevieve and I recently discovered an auto-tuner app on the iPhone called "I Am T-Pain". Needless to say we have had some amazing fun with it over the past 24 hours.

Here's some of our most recent recordings:

I Feel Pretty - Mom
I Kissed A Girl - Sarah
Believe - Genevieve

I am considering getting an auto-tuner surgically implanted and then trying out for American Idol. I also think it would help liven up sacrament meetings...let me know your thoughts.

The Holocaust and Periods

I was recently "Krogering" and had an enlightening experience. Krogering, by definition, is when you shop at Kroger grocery stores. If you didn't know that, then you're not alone. I only recently acquired this knowledge from a very informative sticker I received at the end of my shopping trip.

Giving me a sticker when shopping is a guaranteed return shopper in my book. If Wal-Mart had the old men with smiley face stickers still at the door, then I wouldn't have had to turn my back on them and go to Kroger.

However, I was very disappointed in my recent Krogering experience. Perhaps I have been spoiled by the Wal-Mart / CostCo mentality of having whatever bizarre item I need at my fingertips. But I don't feel I was asking anything unfair of Kroger. I mean feminine hygiene products are used by roughly 50% of the population right? So why wasn't there a single tampon to be found in the entire store?? I think Kroger is under the old-fashioned belief that like the Holocaust, periods were made up by 'the man'. I am here to tell them otherwise.

They did redeem themselves in the 60-90 year old demographic though, with an unusually large selection of Incontinence items. They even carried these stylish Depends.


I call them Depends for Homies. (Yes I'm aware that's not how it's pronounced.) I think that older people still reserve the right to have a boxer type underwear stylishly showing just above their baggy pants if they want to. And these are the perfect solution. Purchase them for your elderly, ghetto loved one during the next holiday...even if it means there isn't shelf space for my 'lady time' nonsense.

If...

If I were a season,

I'd be the summer.


If I were a piece of furniture,
I'd be a porch swing.


If I was a country,
I'd be Italy.


If I was a food,
I'd be an ice cream cookie sandwich.


If I was a flower,
I'd be a water lily.


If I were a song,
I'd be The Heart of Life, by John Mayer


If I were an instrument,
I'd be wind chimes.


If I were a color,
I'd be teal.


If I were a time of day,
I'd be night.


If I were a drink,
I'd be raspberry lemonade.


If I were a holiday,
I'd be Christmas.


If I were a store,
I'd be Anthropologie.


If I were a word,
I'd be serendipity.


If I were a person,
I'd be me.


If I could see the future,
I'd see who I spend it with.

Buhduh Duh Duh Duh...I'm Hatin' It

Ever since I have moved back home I have become the most gluttonous person in existence and I think I will go into cardiac arrest any second. Let's back it up, and I'll explain why.

My dad has always done the cooking in our house because my mother was born allergic to any kind of housework that requires her to be in the kitchen. Over the past few years my dad's job has required him to travel more and more. Now he's gone about 3-5 days a week on average. Consequently the cooking has been left to my mom. So every night she prepares us each the wonderful meal of a new, crisp ten dollar bill. I never thought I could get tired of eating out, but I think I have reached my capacity. At this point Chic-Fil-A is the only restaurant left that I can tolerate.

Tonight after eating Jack In The Box, (don't ask me why I got it. I don't know and it was a bad decision), I feel completely sick. I had to lay on the floor for about 10 minutes about to puke as visions of the documentary Super Size Me danced in my head. It brings to mind one of my favorite stand up comedy routines by Kevin James, Sweat The Small Stuff. He says eating fast food makes him feel like a grizzly bear who was shot with a sedative dart.

And here I am literally rolling on the ground breathing heavily and groaning like a wounded bear. I hate fast food.

If you haven't seen his stand up routine, then you should. Watch it here.

Two Cents on Soccer

“Nothing can help me care about soccer. It’s the most popular sport in the world, probably because it’s cheap to play. It costs a ball. And once every four years America pretends to care about it. And yes I call it soccer, don’t correct me, because I don’t care what they call it in other lands, I speak America. Sorry world, we already have football and it’s way better. It’s supposed to be played by 300 lb men at 8 seconds at a time. Not 5 foot 6 inch fairies lightly jogging for three hours, or however long your game is. Buy a scoreboard. It’s hard for me to get into a sport that I mastered at the age of 7. Excuse me if I don’t get revved up for this corner kick that never works. Hooray! The game ends without a single goal. I want to kill myself when an NBA team doesn’t break a hundred. That’s because you don’t get a free taco. Maybe there’d be more scoring if they weren’t flopping all the time. Hey hooligans, instead of killing players that screwed up, can you murder the ones that fall down and cry because their toe got stepped on? The only good thing about soccer is the movie Ladybugs. That’s a classic. Don’t try to redo it Hollywood. But it’s nice to have an activity that terrorists can excel at. Enjoy your 15 minutes Algeria then go back to being number one at car bombs. But just know the only reason you are beating us is because our best athletes are busy playing real sports.”


I want to give this monologue to every person that I know who I have never heard mention soccer until this last month.

My Loyal Wrist Rest

I receive lots of fan mail. Here is a recent question.

"Sarah, your blog is absolutely amazing. It must take you hours to write each magnificent post. How do you ever manage while still keeping an eye on your dog?"

Good question. You can see here that the easiest and most sensible option is to have him act as a keyboard wrist rest. The curves of the body actually make it ergonomic, so I can blog in complete comfort.




Busy moms who also blog about family life or coupon clipping can implement this same tactic with their children.

Father Forgive Me, For I Have Read Twilight

So I have to admit a guilty pleasure of mine. The secret is a burden I have been carrying for a while...Twilight. There I said it. Now it's out there in the universe and cannot be taken back. I love the Twilight series. I know this is an invitation for social rejection from most any man, but it's a risk I am willing to take.

At first I absolutely, positively wasn't going to read those stupid books. Over my dead body would you find me reading some romance novel about High School, vampires and werewolves. Puh-lease. Do I look like an idiot? Apparently so...because I was repeatedly told how much I would like them. After about the 104th time of "Oh my gosh you HAVEN'T read Twilight?? Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!!" I finally wore down and bought a cheap version at Wal-Mart. Saying that I could not put the book down for three days straight doesn't quite paint the picture well enough. If I was eating breakfast, I was reading Twilight. If I was waiting for class, I was reading Twilight. If I was bored in class, I was reading Twilight. If I was cooking and could manage it, I was also reading Twilight. And of course in all my other spare time, I was reading Twilight. I'm not saying that this is Pulitzer Prize winning material. Stephenie Meyer is just a great storyteller who can pull you into the book. It's kind of like if you watch Lost on DVD and you tell yourself, "I can't stop here, just one more episode"....and then you watch the first three seasons of Lost in about 5 days (yes maybe that's a true story). She just knows how to keep the reader on the cusp of the next exciting/heart-throbbing/tear-dropping moment. I know, I know, you can go throw up now if you need to.

So with all four of the books under my belt before the first movie even released, of course I am going to go see every single one of them. For Twilight I went to the midnight release. It wasn't that bad because my strategy was to pick a po-dunk theater in the boonies of Utah where they didn't have enough theaters or seats for it to be crazy. That worked out pretty well. Although I did have to stand in line with two single 40 year old women in gothic/vampire garb discussing who would actually get to have Edward when he busted through the door professing his love for both of these slightly unattractive, overzealous fans.




However, I was very disappointed with the film itself. It was like watching a badly done Lifetime movie. New Moon was a little better. I waited until it came out on DVD to watch it, in case it was a waste of money as well. I think it's only redeeming quality was the Ferrari and everything filmed in Italy. Plus, let's not lie to ourselves, Taylor Lautner without a shirt on was pretty much the thing that made us walk away saying it was a good movie.

Slightly let down from the first two movies I complied to go with my mom, aunt and cousin to the midnight release of Eclipse. After all, since I wasn't having to pay, what was the harm? We got to the theater 45 minutes beforehand knowing we wouldn't have a great seat, but probably at least a semi-decent one. Wrong. The entire theater was filled with the exception of the front row. Cinemark thought it would be a genius idea to let people in for seating hours beforehand. However they didn't care to monitor if people were actually going into the theater they had purchased tickets for. You tell me how it's possible to have about 30 people standing at the front of the theater with their tickets for the 12:25 show and there are about 10 open seats. Do the math, Cinemark. I was told that I could sit in an overflow theater where I could hope to get a seat if all the showtimes didn't fill up. This is somehow feeling like the iPhone 4 all over again. So I pulled out my gun and shot all the stupid teeny boppers who were in the seats we paid for. Not really.

With tail between our legs we got rain checks and went later in the week. I was pleasantly surprised. Overall the cinematography, art direction, special effects and acting far surpassed the previous films. It makes me actually look forward to Breaking Dawn. However I have decided to retire my line waiting skills for now and take up something more practical...like the bowstaff.