ALIC Presents: Clippety Clobbered

I really enjoy my job, but going through the same motions day-in and day-out can get incredibly monotonous over time. So I am always looking for things to break up the day and make me laugh. One of the most consistent sources of success in this endeavor is reporting claims. I work for a workers' compensation company, so we cover employee injuries that happen on the job. Part of my job is reporting the claims we recieve to a national database for statistical reporting, rate adjustments, etc. To do this I get to read how each incident happened and the nature of the injury. I then assign it a bunch of standardized codes and total how much money we paid out for each aspect of the claim. In doing this, I often come across bizarre circumstances that can't help but make me laugh. Here are some recent ones that I just had to share.

(To maintain confidentiality I will not name names or companies in these incidents)

1) An employee was feeling nauseated so they ran to the bathroom to throw up. While over the toilet they fainted from disgust and fell onto the toilet, lacerating their head. They were later discovered passed out next to the toilet by a coworker. (Kind of sad, but pretty funny.)

2) An employee was carrying a box and slipped on ice. The box flew from their hands and smacked a coworker in the head. Two claims, one incident aka: two birds one stone (or box).

3) An employee working in a warehouse area was wearing a baseball cap and hoodie, with the hoodie pulled up on his head. Due to his restricted vision, he didn't see a large beam and walked straight into it,causing a laceration on his face.

4) (This one takes the cake.) A glasswork employee was trying to break a piece of thick plate glass. To do so, he removed his shoes, stood on the glasswork table and stomped on the glass, resulting in multiple injuries and lacerations to the feet. (I want to know what this guy's thought process was. And I want to fire him for idiocy.)

What Happened To My Goat?!

Working in the creative industry opened my eyes in a way that is both a blessing and a burden. What am I talking about? Well why don't you just ask Michael what it is like to watch a movie or TV with me?

"Green screen!" "That's totally c.g." "This scripting is horrible." "Was this ad made in 1992?" etc. etc.

Alright, maybe I've turned into a bit of a marketing/movie snob. So sue me!

Anyways, we usually watch Netflix so I am not burdened with the 9 out of 10 bad commercials every break, but I have been watching Hulu and am cursed yet again with commercial viewing. Every once in a while there is something that is totally freaking awesome, but most of the time they're just a waste of time off of my TV show. Why do I only get 43 minutes of Grey's Anatomy istead of a full 60? I feel totally jipped. When commercials come on I feel the same way I feel when I get a giant wad of newspaper in my mailbox full of useless ads to "Current Resident" or a "**S@tisfy Your L@dy!" spam email. (By the way crappy marketers, I'm a woman who doesn't care about satisfying other women.)

I'll stop ranting and raving there (because I could probably go on for ages) and move on to the reason for this post. My recent Modern Family marathon on Hulu has been continually interrupted by my painful viewing of this ad from Heifer International.

So let me get this straight:

Someone donates their goat (which I don't know about you, but we just have too many around to handle these days) to a family. This goat then provides the family with milk and wool and eggs (??...perhaps it was a goat/chicken hybrid that awesomely lays eggs AND is a goat) and they sell their products which then makes them money. {yay!} Then their goat has a baby (via immaculate conception?) and they now have two goats. So now that nice family gives the baby goat to their neighbors, and eventually everyone in town has a goat. (Which according to the numbers in a village with say, 15 families and factoring in that the baby would have to mate with it's mom and for the sake of ease saying that only girl goats were born and there was one boy goat AND that immediately after being born the goat then conceives that same day...it would take just over 2 years). Then everyone will have goats, consequently enabling the supply & demand principle which means the price of wool and milk and eggs (?) would get driven down. The lack of profits and income would then drive everyone back into poverty, requiring them to eat their goats to survive.

I think I will just send them the money that it would cost to ship a goat halfway across the world instead. Thank you for wasting 30 seconds of my life Heifer International. And if people like this are in charge of saving third world countries, I'm seriously skeptical if we will ever be able to pull them all out of poverty.

Eyebrows

Getting up at 7am and being alone in the bathroom while I'm getting ready often leads to my mind wandering. This morning I had a particularly interesting thought, "Why do you think God gave us eyebrows?"

So I thought about it, and came up with these three reasons.

1. "He wanted us to be able to show emotion with more than just our eyes and our mouth."

2. "Maybe He thought our face was too blank with just a forehead and eyes, so He needed one more thing to put there."

3. "He knew that some day, girls would want to wear makeup, and they needed a line so that they knew where to stop."

I think that all three of these answers are correct and have complete validity.


Also, what does it mean that God DIDN'T give Whoopie Goldberg eyebrows?
(Stop trying to suck up to Him, Whoopie. He's already made up his mind.)